I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
