Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
