I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
