2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have already put on my inside pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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