I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
