Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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