Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
