I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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