I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Randomize
