Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
