I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
