He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
