Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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