her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
