I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
