Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
