What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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