I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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