Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
