Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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