WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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