someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
