The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
