I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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