I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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