Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
