The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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