i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
