i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
