I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
