I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
