i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
