Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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