last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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