I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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