Is it because I queefed?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
