He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
