All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
