Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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