woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
