i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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