thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
