I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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