I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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