roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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