So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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