I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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