Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
