I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
