dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
