i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
