Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
