dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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