I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
